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Finn, I just did a dump that was like Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy...

Posted by Rhys Matthewson On the 28th March 2012 Back Rhys-Mathewson_470x270.jpg

So it’s about a month away from the start of the Comedy Festival, and already it’s started to take over my life. The Festival is a very strange beast. On the one hand, there is a large chunk of my year that is consumed by thinking about my Festival show, and the stress and fear associated with it. On the other hand, it’s three weeks of pure joy, if you consider watching/performing /incessantly talking about comedy and drinking way too much to be the epitome of joy - which most comedians do.

So when the Festival begins to loom, a strange combination of excitement and worry comes over me, like it’s Christmas Eve in the Fritzl household.  To give you an insight into how much of my life is Festival orientated, I thought I’d give you a priority list of my life right now.


  1. Working on my Festival show. This could be writing, re-writing, or structuring, but is usually writing down songs I think would be cool to play while the audience find their seats.
  2. Laundry. This used to be further down the list, but then two weeks passed and it hadn’t been checked off.
  3. Trying to motivate myself to start writing. This can be anything from getting a cup of coffee to playing Halo on Xbox for 30 mins, depending on how honest with myself I’m being.
  4. Getting more gigs.  Being on stage helps to figure out what I’m going to do for the Festival, and helps me convince strangers that I’m funny and thus gain their approval.
  5. Fucking bitches and/or getting money.
  6. Spending time with my girlfriend, and I’m so sorry babe I didn’t mean what I said about the fucking of bitches.
  7. Talking with other comedians, with most of those conversations starting with “So how’s your show going?”
  8. Saving money.
  9. Buying more milk for my flat.
  10. Thinking of two sentence movie reviews that could then be applicable to the poos I have just done, which I then txt to my friends. For example: “Finn, I just did a dump that was like Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy – Slow and hard to get through.”

So there you have it. That’s my life right now.

Hopefully I’ll see you around the Festival.


P.S. You should definitely buy tickets to my show. It’s called Rhys Mathewson vs the World. Although, if I’m honest, I think THE show to see this Festival is Brendon Burns. So if you only by one ticket, go see him. If you can buy more than one ticket, come see me too.

P.P.S I mean I get that the novel revolutionised the spy genre, but on screen I just felt like there was no real tension in the unfolding. It was just plodding along with the story. And the casting made the end predictable. And if I’d wanted to watch Ronnie Corbett swim for two and a half hours, I would have just watched Ronnie Corbett swim for two and a half hours.

Rhys Matthewson V.S The World

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I did a poo like Star Wars... just when I thought I was finished three more came out.