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From The Desk Of Jon Bennett

Posted by Jon Bennett On the 10th May 2014 Back I told My Mum that I don’t think I want to have children?
Mum said:
That’s selfish
You don’t want to share your life with anyone else?
How can you be so selfish?”
I said:
Why would I want to bring a child into an already over populated world?
Why would I create ANOTHER person?
Most people are jerks
I’m a bit of a jerk
Odds are that my child will be a jerk
And I don’t want that.
Mum said:
But your child may cure cancer
Your child may save the world
I said:
I’m too lazy
Kids are a lot of work
Let also not forget about how painful birth is
I hear giving birth is the equivalent to pissing a watermelon
I hope I’ll love my partner enough to not put them through that kind of pain
Any woman who has children probably isn’t loved very much by her partner
Mum said:
That’s stupid.
I said:
Then there are all sorts of complications with being pregnant
What if my wife or partner is pregnant and something goes wrong and my wife can’t hold the baby in her womb because I don’t know… She doesn’t love the baby enough and there’s not enough love to keep the baby alive in her womb.
Mum said:
That’s not how it wor-
I said:
So the only thing they can do is transplant the foetus into my ass
As my ass would be the only place where the baby can be sustained
So then I’d have to keep the baby in my ass for nine months
Nine months!
Mum said:
But Jo-
I said:
I won’t sit down very well!
I won’t be able to poo!
Instead of the baby getting nutrients from the umbilical cord, they have to get the nutrients from my poo, then that’s another thing to deal with once the child is born
You have to live with the knowledge that it had to eat your poo
And that’s kinda weird too
No one wants to be disgusted with their own child
Then the child will grow up all disturbed because mummy didn’t love it enough and daddy is disgusted by it
Because it ate poo and not just anyone’s poo
My poo
Mum said:
That’s enough.
I said:
Then when the baby is born
It will be like having doing a massive dump
I’ve done some big poos in my time but not Baby big
Mum said: Ahhhhhhhh
I said:
And the other kids at school will probably tease it.
No kid who was born from its father’s anus is not going to be teased.
Remember the kids at school used to tease me about not having an ‘h’ in my name? (My name is Jon without an ‘h’ – it’s said slightly quicker)
Remember when the kids at school said: ‘your parent’s can’t afford an ‘h’ in Jon?
That’s nothing compared to being an Ass Child
It’ll probably get teased about it’s name too
And I’d be determined not to have that happen so I’d name the Ass child a name that encompasses all of the letters of the alphabet - 'Abcdef-higjkilmnop Quirstuv-wxyz Bennett’ so not only will the child not get teased but all the kids at school will think I'm a millionaire.
Mum said: No…
I said:
What chance does it have?
Still my child, your grandchild
Will be an Ass child.
Is that what you want Mum?
An Ass Child for a grandchild?
And I’m the one who’s selfish.
Mum said:
You shouldn’t have children.

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